Tomasito's Diary
Sex and the City - A Column

| 06 | Love = Overweight |

Love carries a shadow. It’s a long shadow. A shadow that can cover everything else. Nothing else can do that. The positive thing about it is that if you are in love and it’s being responded, everything shines in a bright light. It’s like spring - the birds are singing, the butterflies fly around and the bees from flower to flower. You feel like without any weight, like it’s you who can fly. You meet people and they might wonder why you are so nice and friendly. They notice your lightness and your happiness. You want to buy a DVD player which was in the insert of the newspaper, an offer - very cheap - of a HiFi store. You go there, but the shop assistant tells you that it’s gone, already sold out. And the thing is: You don’t care. It doesn’t matter – because you are in love.

Now the other side of the story. You are in love - but you rejected. Live turns into a cocktail of sadness, anger and regrets. Everything is just seen in a dark light. You don’t like the street anymore you are walking on always. You don’t like the people that come across your way, especially the couples. You think ‘how disgusting’.

How can that be that love has such an overweight, such a predominance over the whole life? If you lose a job, it’s bad and you are angry and sad. But you still see some chance, some possibility to go on and continue your life. But if you lose a love you feel like the world is collapsing. You feel that nobody can help you and you ask yourself why the sun keeps on shining, why the rivers still flow and why the earth keeps on moving. This empty feeling you got in your body and the question “What can come afterwards…?”. You feel you want to break out, but you just can’t.

An example: You have a party. You invited all your friends and they all have come to see you. The food you made is delicious and luscious, the drinks are well-mixed and very good. The people are contented and satisfied. They meet other interesting people, they flirt, everybody feels splendid. Later in the evening the music gets louder, the tables and chairs are been moved away and the people start to dance and to sing with the songs. Laughter is in the air. The ones who already have to go home as they have to get up early the next morning maybe decide to stay a bit longer. When they yet have to leave they have a sad expression on their face when they walk out the door thinking “I might miss something”.

Then suddenly somebody appears: the girl you are interested in rings at the door. You are very excited! You can’t believe it that she really made it to your party. Finally she has arrived and you are happy like a child getting his first bicycle. You talk with her and you feel actually very well. But then you suddenly realize that there is something in the air. Something strange. It’s not like always. There’s some distance between you and her. You don’t know what’s wrong.

In the end you decide it’s better you talk with her. You take her to the kitchen asking her to have a little talk. Then, like washing-up liquid the plates, the conversation clarifies the situation. And leaves everything clear and clean. And down-to-earth - in a double meaning: rationally purified and, especially, like plates on the floor – broken. She doesn’t like you as you like her.

The marvellous party turns into a marvelless party. You instantly feel like kicking out all the guests. Just to be alone. Just to think. But no, they are in the other room - dancing and having fun. You see it with disgust and you wish they’d all be gone already. You yourself can’t go neither – as it’s still your party. Well, it’s your personal disaster now – with guests invited. It’s like a Greek tragedy performed to a numerous audience. Well, of course they don’t know about the latest developments in the kitchen. But that doesn’t count for you. You feel naked.

So you start to clean the flat now. You try to wipe everything away, all the rubbish, the used glasses, the pain. The all-purpose detergent helps you just with physical stains – though its name suggests more.

Finally they go. Still they don’t know what’s going on with you. Their smiling faces after a successful party walking out of the door down the stairs. You see it with relief. You don’t want to feel like that, they are your friends, but you can’t help it. That single five minutes changed the whole party – though just for you. Just five minutes to turn nine hours upside down. And the ironic thing is – the cleaning up still remains only to you – in whatever meaning. Love weighs way too much.


Site by Tomasito - 13.01.2004